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here to talk it out....recent loss

here to talk it out....recent loss

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  • eds1999 eds1999's Avatar 08-16-07 | 04:36 PM
  • well now i'm going through the dealing with emotions part of my miscarriage. i was so fortunate to have a lot of people around me who cared and were at my side every second. now i just want them to all go away and I feel terrible for it. every time someone calls to check on me, i hear the pity in their voice and i just lose it. i am bored out of my mind laying around the house, but i can't do anything because i just had surgery on monday 8/13

    i think we'll ttc again via DIUI, but it's going to be a journey again. at first i was like no way i can't do it again, but thinking of trying was like putting aside what happened, like it's replacable and we can make it go away. i've come to expect that the worst will happen to us, and i used to be a very optimistic person. i suppose my hormones are in a mad swing. they've been dropping very rapidly (which i guess is a good thing....)

    what was it like for any of you? i had an ectopic, so i had a lap and D&C. now i'm wonderling all these things, like when will i get my next period, how will i feel in a week? a month? i am NOT a cryer and so far i've cried a ton. i can't be like that around people, especially people i don't know. i teach school and i have to go back in 2 weeks, so hopefully i'll be ok by then. i certainly can't stay in this house any more!

    your thoughs....thanks!
    m/c #1 8/13/07
  • Dopey406 Dopey406's Avatar 08-16-07 | 05:27 PM

    Getting "back on the bandwagon" and TTC again is very difficult after a loss. We've had two consecutive losses since November after two easy conceptions and successful pregnancies. So it was shocking to us that we're "all of sudden" encountering issues.

    A week after my D&C I was still a mess. A month after my D&C I was feeling a little better. Now that it's been months, I certainly don't think about it every minute like I used to, but I do still think about our son every day and am reminded of his presence in our lives even though we never met him. I used my sad energy to start a group at my church to support women going through miscarriages and it definitely helped me in the process. Additionally, DH & I bought a memory box from Things Remembered and had our son's name and conception date engraved on it. Inside I keep all of the things we had received for him, cards, a bib, my HPTs, etc. I keep this on my nightstand in my bedroom. Unfortunately, we added a second child to that box a few months later and though we will never know the true gender of that baby, we believe it was a boy and also named him. Naming the babies helps me cope because I am able to call them by name, rather than referring to them as tragic events. Our two daughters know that they have two brothers in Heaven and we talk openly about them. This has helped me see past the sadness.

    Does all of this mean that I'm never overcome with grief? No.
    I have plently of times when I can hardly contain my despair and retreat to my bedroom or the car or the back yard to have a long, primal cry.
    I had just as high hopes for those two boys as I did for my two living children--that "Mommyhood" doesn't disappear just because the pregnancy ends before I'd planned.

    We've now been TTC for 5 months since our second loss and I'm on my second round of Clomid. For whatever reason, the BFNs are easier to swallow now. I am optimistic that we will be pregnant some day, in God's time for our family, and that keeps me going.

    I'm here if you need to talk. PM me anytime.
    I'm sorry you're going through this. Please know that you're not alone and we're here to help.
  • Oreo Oreo's Avatar 08-16-07 | 08:57 PM
  • Erica, I too had a miscarriage and D&C. I was the same way -- people wanted to be supportive but were merely annoying to me because I wanted or sort of needed to be alone and grieve. When my mc happened, I cried for 3 days straight and then just a bit after that. I am also a teacher and my union rep got me berievement time I was such a mess. It took a long time, but I now believe that it was for the best -- I was able to find peace knowing that the baby was safe and not suffering as a preemie or with defects, etc... Thinking that way was the only way for me to make it be ok. I believe in my heart that we all heal. I hope you can heal too and I'm sure the start of school in a few weeks will be a great help.


  • Saira Saira's Avatar 08-17-07 | 10:42 AM
  • Don't feel terrible about wanting to be by yourself. I didn't want to see a soul after our loss.

    As for crying, I cried 3 days straight after we got the news, and that was with a week of "warning" from the RE. After that I cried at least 5 times a day for over a week. Now a week after the d&c, I'm having good days when I can focus on how blessed I am that we were able to get pg again and how that shows it can work for us again. I'm also having bad days when all I can see is what we've lost and how it may never work for us. But at least I am having a few good days now, and I feel like I'm coping much better.

    You are always going to have this pain, but it will get easier to deal with in time. A few days after we found out, DH took me out of town for the weekend. It helped to get out of our house and out of the box of misery it had become for me. So when you feel up to it, a small trip to get away may help if you can manage it.

    Another thing that has helped with the healing was naming our babies and having their names written in the book at the Shrine of the Innocents. We did this with our last loss also. It may sound strange, but it made the loss more meaningful, and gave me the feeling that the child had a permanant place in the world and of course my heart that nothing could ever change or replace. Still, I suppose I always looked at our ttc again as a way to give that child a way to come back to us. Now that I've had another loss, technically 2 losses in one go, my views on that may be changing. It's so very hard to make sense of all of this, especially after making so many concessions in the ttc realm like we have.

    Please know I am here for you if you need anything, and hope in time we'll both be back on the ttc boards and find our happiness again. Take care of yourself.

  • Bethann73 Bethann73's Avatar 08-17-07 | 10:52 AM


    First of all.. the only way to heal is to recognize that you have all these emotions and they are real..

    I wanted people to stop calling also.. just leave me alone and don't bring it up.. we had tried for so long only to lose the baby.. was a hard thing to take. But I decided I wanted to start ttc again right away.. not to forget about the baby I lost but because I knew I wanted to be a mother.

    I was approx. 12 weeks along.. wasn't feeling all that great.. and noticed some brown spotting while here at work one day.. I called my Dr. they said with out the cramping it could be nothing so to just watch it.. well it came back again the next day. So I went for a u/s ..I had *seen* the hb on an earlier u/s so I thought we were OK.
    not so. This new u/s showed no growth from the last u/s .. baby hadn't grown past 7.5 weeks.

    So I scheduled a D&C for the following morning. I got AF 30 days later and started ttc again.. it took anothher year of trying and then a couple surgeries and eventually an IUI but I got pg and stayed that way.

    Now I'm pg with #3.

    Please give yourself time to grieve.. and to heal physically and emotionally.. some days you may just want to scream.. go ahead.. it will help.

    You will hear alot of crud that just isn't true.. "Things happen for a reason", blah blah blah.. it will upset you but unfortunately some people don't know how to react or support you and they think that is helpful..