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Opinions needed (baby mentioned -- and LONG!)

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Old 01-02-05, 07:58 PM
sarehl's Avatar
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Default Opinions needed (baby mentioned -- and LONG!)

Hi all. Iím confused about something and I really value the opinions of the women here, so I'm hoping you can help me. I do mention a baby, though, so if you're having a bad day you might not want to read this post.

For anyone who doesnít know me, hereís my story: I have a PCOS variant and a blood clotting problem, and we have some male factor issues as well. DH & I started TTC 4 years ago, had 2 late and heartbreaking m/cs before being talked into IVF by an overly-aggressive RE. I ended up hospitalized in critical condition with severe OHSS for 8 days, but the IVF was successful and I had a healthy baby. Now weíre TTC again and I just had a chemical pg, my 3rd loss.

I have an acquaintance whom Iíll call Jane. I donít know her very well, but we get together sometimes with some other friends for dinner. Jane has been TTC #1 for a year. She just found out she has a high FSH. I understand infertility depression & anxiety very well and reached out to her the first time I met her, and since Iíve gone out of my way to support her. I talked her into doing an infertility support program, removed any trace of my child when she came over, checked up on her regularly, etc. That was pretty much our whole relationship Ė me being supportive of her struggle and a couple of dinners with mutual friends.

In November, the same night I found out I was having my 3rd m/c, I forced myself to go to a party. When I saw Jane there, I was so relieved to have someone to talk to about this. I walked over to her and said, ďYouíre the only person who Iím telling, but Iím in the middle of a miscarriage right now and Iím totally distraught and I have no idea how Iím going to get through this night.Ē

My problem is with her response. She cocked her head to the side in this fake sympathy move, patted me on the arm, and told me she was 7 weeks pg. Now, I am so totally thrilled for her, and I said so, but she had nothing, not one word, of support for me. She avoided me for the rest of the night and did not call at all, not even an email. I have seen her with another couple for dinner once since then, but she talked about her pregnancy and didnít even ask how I was doing.

Now, the 2 friends I have asked both said I should talk to her and educate her about how she should have reacted. Frankly, I think itís not worth it. I feel like you really find out who your friends are in a crisis, and she went out of her way to show me sheís not truly my friend. Maybe she thinks that since I already have 1 baby I should shut up and not expect any support from her. Or maybe she doesnít want to think about miscarriages. Even so, she at least could have called and said, ďI can't really talk to you about this, but I just want to let you know that Iím thinking about you and Iím so sorry for what happenedĒ or something. I would have done that.

So I really need to know, do you think I should tell her how I feel? If so, what should I say? Or should I just remain friendly but not too close? Or should I just get over it? (hmmm...I don't think I can do that!) I really need opinions, Iím just not sure what to do. Iím posting this on a couple of boards. Please be honest! Thank you, ladies.

Last edited by sarehl; 01-02-05 at 08:10 PM.
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Old 01-03-05, 05:07 AM
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It's Jacqui (aka lilrunt). I remember you so well, and I oftened wondered how you were doing.

First and MOST importantly, I am so deeply sorry to hear about your m/c.
My heart and friendship go out to you, and please let it be known...that you do have people that care about you. I remember all the difficulties that you had gone through in the past with pregnancies.

Regarding "Jane"...
I had the pleasure of knowing women/men like this during both losses and my pregnancy. I have heard silence, whispers and countless remarks of how God was punishing me or people's sudden doctrine thoughts. Never really being a person to feel self pity or the need to express my emotions, but a good listener. I was shocked how people that labeled themselves friends really showed their true colors when I reached out for support during my losses. I wont go on about me, but I wanted to point out that I know what you are going through.

My viewpoints are this:

1) I am a firm believer that we cannot make other people react or be who we thought or want them to be. This meaning, that it is almost pointless to tell her how you feel. First reaction usually says it all (in my opinion), and she had several oppourtunities to turn this around and be supportive of you. She has chosen not to, thus disregarding your frienship and feelings.

2) Sometimes people should have circumstances pointed out to them. It sounds as if you were more than generous with your friendship and care for this woman. Has she ever acknowledged your kindness? Given you a card or say "Thank you"?

If I am reading correctly, she really wasn't a friend, but you made countless efforts to reach out and help her.

In my opinion, I would have spoken to her if she was a friend. Friends are suppose to be supportive and caring, regardless of their own happiness or situations. A true friend would not take your loss as a bad Omen. They would have all the compassion in the world. However, sometimes people grow scared and cannot push pass their feelings. I have a couple of friends who were pregnant when I lost my Posey at 5-1/2 months. Neither of them called me because they did not know how to approach me. I was angry and hurt, but I never did approach them on their reactions simply because I knew they were pregnant and perhaps uncomfortable with my loss. Simply, I was the bigger person.

I really don't feel as if Jane ever was your friend, regardless your outpour of kindness to her. She seems like a very shallow and selfish individual. I would not keep her in your life, nor would I be sincere any longer. I woud neither call her nor contact her. However, if by chance she suddenly contact you... well, I would absolutely tell her at that time how you feel. At that time, I would educate her on both losses and friendships.

Good Luck with any choice you make. I am sure you will do what is best for you.
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Old 01-03-05, 05:49 AM
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Sarah, I'm so sorry

Personally, I would just drop her from my "friend" list, since it seems that she never reciprocated any of your kindness and you two never really had a close relationship anyway, and I would drop the entire subject UNLESS it comes up with her. If it does, you can tell her how you feel. It's not worth it to bring it up again arbitrarily.

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Old 01-03-05, 09:29 PM
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Sarah I have had a mc and I know how much it hurts.

I had a co-worker that was very similar to that and I totally dropped her from my friends list

I can't believe how cruel and insensitive that woman was. She could have waited to tell you that she was pregnant first of all. How hurtful to hear about another baby when you are in the middle of losing yours. She is a totally nasty person with no concern for anyone else and I wouldn't want her to be my friend

Again I am so sorry Sarah about your mc. I know how heartbreaking they are

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Old 01-04-05, 09:30 AM
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She sounds like a fair-weather friend to me Sarah. You deserve better than that, I'm sorry this happened to you.

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