Not really depressed. I really feel proactive and hopeful now that the kids are diagnosed and their care is being coordinated and not falling solely on my shoulders. KWIM? I also have a good team of physicians for my own personal care. Being ill and debilitated is in itself depressing, BUT there is hope and I have worked VERY hard the past 3 months to improve my physical health.
I am however saddened that DH
and I have so many unresolved issues. It isn't a very novel story when you have two kids with health issues, financial issues and little family support. Those are pretty much the top 3 marriage killers. Sad, but not shocked if
that makes sense. The stats for married couples dealing with any and all of these issues are not pretty. If
this was a new situation I would be depressed over it, but this has been going on for years. I have tried working on it with the little time we have. DH
chooses to ignore the problems and keep on moving. It may work for him, but it isn't working for me. I'd rather be alone than to be married and feel alone.
Considering all that we've been dealt the past few years, I am very proud of how I've handled all these situations. I fought hard to get my kids diagnosed and obtain them the proper treatment they needed. I've worked very hard to find physicians who would give me some hope in my current health issues. I've pinched pennies, scrimped and saved to afford the things we've needed. I've researched and fought to get DH
a diagnosis for his rare and scary health issues. I was in pain and ill but managed to continue to volunteered at the kids school and drive them 40 miles round trip each day through snow and blizzard conditions, etc...
I don't feel that makes me depressed "or something".
I think anyone, given the circumstances we have been given the last few years would be stressed and overwhelmed at times. That doesn't make the person "or something".
I appreciate your thoughts and concern but take slight offense to the inference that my marital problems or anger over the loss of my hair makes me "or something".
Everyone is a little "or something" at times. When life has been so out of your own personal control so often I don't think it is petty or vain to want to be able to control the very few things that are still in your locust of control. My hair was one of those things. I couldn't erase the steroid weight, acne, fat redistribution, hair loss, hair growth, etc...but I could control the style/length of my hair. I couldn't make DD's tics stop, make Milo stop spinning or writing lists of songs. I couldn't stop DH
when he went in to shock twice the past 6 months. I couldn't control my Dad's heart attack, or my Mom's AVM. Losing the tiny shred of personal choice and control I had was difficult and hurtful at that moment in time. It is not "gone" but at that instance and for a few days after it hurt to have had yet another choice taken out of my hands. That doesn't make me "or something" that makes me human.