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wwyd #4,435 (esp for those who've dealt with divorce)

View Poll Results: Should I continue pursuing a relationship between my boys and their grandfather?
Yes, keep at it, any hurt the kids feel is worth them knowing him 0 0%
No, the kids will end up hurt 2 14.29%
Stop making an effort but go over if they ask 10 71.43%
something else 2 14.29%
Voters: 14. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 01-27-08, 10:08 PM
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Default wwyd #4,435 (esp for those who've dealt with divorce)

I know it seems like I can't make a decision to save my life-- but I really enjoy hearing others' perspectives on things before I decide.

Let's see how I can keep this short: I am an only child of my father's 2nd marriage. There's a child older than me from the 1st marriage, who is estranged from the family (has been for over 20 years), and there are 2 sons from the 3rd marriage, which is also my dad's current marriage.

The whole time I was growing up, I was a 3rd class citizen in that household. When I came on visits, I was in the way, and they (my dad and s-mom) did their best to make me know that I wasn't tthe same as their "real kids." My saving grace was my grandparents on that side who always made sure that I got what the other kids had-- even though that meant they had to do it for me themselves. In the past year, they both died. On the other hand, dad and s-mom were OK to me, came to my graduations, etc but never made an effort and always just made me feel--- uh.. not as good,

Fast forward to my having kids. My dad has been very slightly involved in their lives. S-mom came to my shower with a couple of outfits or something. They never call. Anytime we go over there, it's if WE show up or WE make arrangements, and that's once a month or less. They live less than 1/2 mile away from our house. They drive right by, see Josh and DH in the front yard, and never stop. OTOH, they came to both Josh's b-day parties so far. They had a "bus trip" this wknd so they missed M's b-day, but since it fell right on his b-day do you think they told me ahead of time-- we cant come? No. Do you think they stopped by beforehand or afterward to wish him a nice day? NO. Do you think they called/e-mailed etc to see when we could get together? No.

Well now, my brother's wife is pg. Since I live right down the road from my dad, i happened to see the ups guy dropping off THEIR CRIB. They got them the crib for the baby. And I come to find out that he's taking it up there-- an hour away-- so they don't have to take it up.

So the question is... do I still try to maintain a relationship with my dad for Josh and Matthew? At first, I really wanted them to have their grandfather in their lives, and I was willing to put aside how he's treated me to do that. I have no other family except my mother, who is disabled, so I really wanted to make the effort to keep my dad involved. However, I also remember what it felt like to be a 3rd class citizen and I do NOT want my kids going through that. I can just see us driving by the house, and the kids seeing their cousins playing outside and asking my why Grandpa didn't invite them over. So now part of me thinks it might be better for them to just stop making an effort.

Last edited by 3Princes; 01-27-08 at 10:13 PM.
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Old 01-27-08, 10:27 PM
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Jeanne, I've read a bunch of your posts about these people over the years, and the efforts you make just seem to frustrate you. Aren't these the people that are more concerned about leaving their dogs alone than seeing their grandsons? I would have given up long ago on making the effort. It just seems like you're hitting your head against a wall, without much payoff.

No matter how much effort you make, your dad is not going to put you at an equal rank with your stepbrothers. It's hard to say why that is - I can't imagine a father not sticking up for all his children and fighting to treat them equally - but your dad just isn't standing up for you.

Ultimately, despite your best efforts, Matthew and Josh are going to see the inequities. I don't know that this will be extremely hurtful to them, but I think it makes sense to allow the relationship to be a casual one rather than one you make much effort at. You can build your support system with friends - it doesn't have to be family. And if your dad and his third family get a higher priority, it won't bother the boys as much if their contact with him is sporadic and casual.
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Old 01-27-08, 10:31 PM
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Ha! Actually, the dog people are my ILs. Thank goodness they've seen the err of their ways and the dog stays home now.

Thanks for your thoughts though..... I really appreciate it and yes- I've posted about my dad before-- same stuff different day.
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Old 01-27-08, 10:52 PM
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well just to let you know my mother is alive but does not exist to Andy she only exists to Deven my oldest unfortunately in the last few weeks she has become dead to me and i no longer consider her my mother. so Andy will never know her and my older son will never speak to her again until he is an adult. when i told her i was pg with Andy she said she was not happy for me at all (but happy for my sister who was pg at the same time and is now totally excited for my brothers gf who is now pg) (go figure) and didnt want anything to do with him. so i said that is fine you dont exist to him anyways now andy has my father as a grandad becuase he does not meddle in my life and is there for support and does the whole grandad thing bakes the cookies and buy the gifts. so i say to you if you feel it would be in the best interest for your children and they will learn later about their gps if you dont want them to feel the way you feel then dont pursue it and honestly they wont know the difference until they get older and ask about them but then they may not and it wont matter. hopefully they will see the error of their ways and change it but if you continue to pursue it you in the long run knowing what the outcome will always be be the hurt one kwim? and you should put your self thur that. good luck
 
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Old 01-27-08, 10:54 PM
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My sis and I are third class citizens to my grandmother, and we are all equally biologically related. It sucks more as an adult than it did as a child because I can so clearly see how different we are treated. However, in our case it is not that we are necessarily treated poorly, it is that our cousins are given everything and can do no wrong even though they are unsuccessful and ungrateful leeches who treat my grandmother literally like a piece of trash. So, while I do have a good relationship with her, it just is strained sometimes on my part because I hate what she allows from her other grandchildren. I have also cut my own bio-father completely out of my life because he only came when he needed something from me and I did not want my kids to ever really know him at all and get their hearts broken the way my sis, brother and I have so many times. They actually only know him as Mr. Lastname. My step-dad is their real Grandpa and we are blessed to have him.

Your situation sounds like it is somewhere between my G-ma situation and my father situation. That is probably why it is harder to find any obvious solution. My best advice for you is to put your feelings onto paper and give it to your father. Tell him what hurts you and why and that you feel that you need to make a decision for the best interest of your children. Leave the ball in his court. Either he makes an honest effort to be a regular part of your lives or he can walk away freely; he just can't waffle in and out as he feels like it. If you are even considering walking away, then there is no harm in putting your reasons and feelings out on the table first.


 
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