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wwyd #4,435 (esp for those who've dealt with divorce)

View Poll Results: Should I continue pursuing a relationship between my boys and their grandfather?
Yes, keep at it, any hurt the kids feel is worth them knowing him 0 0%
No, the kids will end up hurt 2 14.29%
Stop making an effort but go over if they ask 10 71.43%
something else 2 14.29%
Voters: 14. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 01-27-08, 10:58 PM
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Uch.... that's always such a tough call.

My MIL (although she lives 10-15min away) has VERY LITTLE to do with my boys lives. It's sad.

If you believe your dad/s-mom may be following the same path with their soon-to-be grandchild as they did with YOU (s/he will be the 1st class citizen, and your boys will be 2nd) I'd probably stop initiating stuff and let them come to you. I wouldn't want my kids to feel like that.
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Old 01-27-08, 11:02 PM
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I would invite them to parties that you hold, but that's about it. I wouldn't go out of my way - and I wouldn't ask or arrange to visit them at their house at all.

I think it's horrible how you were treated growing up and it seems it hasn't changed much since then either.
 

I think the best policy is to surround yourself with people who love you and that's it.
Your children don't need a person who has those sorts of negative feelings about you around. They really only need you and DH, not the grandparents.
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Old 01-27-08, 11:05 PM
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My Dh's parents are divorced and his dad and s-mom have little to nothing to do with our kids. They ignore bdays and then blame it on a calendar mix-up, of course this same calendar mix up went on from June until Sept, with 4 grandkids bdays. We get slighted for gifts at every turn, and Dh even was even turned down by his dad when Dh said he wanted to see them for the weekend after Christmas. We still have not seen them and exchanged presents for Christmas. Last Christmas our gift cards mysteriously disappeared, and the ones they gave SIL and her hubby didn't have any $$ on them.
The moral is this. Even though Dh would love the kids to know their grandpa if something happened to Dh I would never try to keep a relationship with his dad and s-mom. His mom and her husband love the kids and see them often. They call the kids to talk to them come to every bday party and would walk to Hell and back for our kids. As far as I am concerned our kids have 2 sets of grandparents, my parents and MIL and her husband. Those other 2 people don't count in my book.
I have a huge problem with getting my mind around why it is so important to dh to have a relationship with his dad. If someone doesn't care about and love my kids there in no way in hell I am going to chase after them to have a relationship with me.
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Old 01-27-08, 11:22 PM
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Yikes....
 


I'm really split on this and I would sit for a long time and just think before I did anything -- I mean a good few months... But you've been dealing with this for a while, so....

I have an astranged brother who is married with 2 kids. I am trying to think of this from their perspective... I would keep the door open to a relationship. My neice and nephew have no relationship with my mom since she and SIL don't get along and my brother is a spineless worm who never fought to hold onto any relationship with us... I feel bad for them because they have missed out on a great family...

It isn't likely for people like your family or mine to change, but keeping it casual and light is better than nothing for your kids in MHO.

When they are older and ask why it's different for them, you can be honest that your relationship with them was different once their family grew.

I think I'd also try to talk to your dad about your feelings and ask him what he wants out of the relationship...


 

 
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Old 01-28-08, 12:12 AM
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Wow--that's difficult.

I am similar to others in that while my mother is alive, we haven't spoken in years, my children have never met her, and we don't mention her to them. Occasionally Sarah has asked, "Mommy, where's YOUR mommy?". Our response is that I didn't grow up with her (true) and I don't know where she lives (true), but that our family is blessed to have Grandpa Rick, Great-Grandma Pat, Aunt Brenda, Uncle Scott, etc., etc., etc. who love us. She usually moves on after that.

My situation is different, though, because she is an abusive, pathological liar, a drug user, and someone with whom I refuse to associate. So that makes it "easier" for me.

In your case, I'm with Sarah---think about it for a long, long time before making that decision. I would continue inviting them to YOUR events, but I'd wait for them to call for other things. Yes, you might be waiting a long, long, long time for that, but by keeping the door open, you just might be surprised one day. If not, I'm sorry for the hurt you've felt---I can definitely say I've been in your shoes.
 


The last thing you want to do is project your feelings of hurt and exclusion onto your children. Let them form their own opinions of their grandfather as they grow up. It's likely they'll see him for his true self.


 
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