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Old 10-28-08, 01:00 PM
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Exclamation WWYD - etiquette question

A little background. Dh's parents divorced when he was 7. Him and his siter lived with his mom. His dad remarried and his new wife had a little boy and a little girl from her first marriage. Despite living only 30 minutes away, DH rarely saw his dad growing up and when he did, him and his sister were treated inferior to his stepkids, like they were his dad's replacement family. As they got older, it got worse. A lot of mean stories I could tell ya but essentially we do not see them anymore because we got tired of trying and they seemed to care less to put any effort into it. Very sad when they ignore the grandkids. We are grownups and can handle it but a kid doesn't understand.
Anyway, we have not seen them in a year and a half. DH told me not to send them birthday cards, pictures, invites to parties, nothing. But I am having trouble with that because they still send DS cards for every holiday with $5 in it and bday and Christmas cards with money (only addressed to DS, never us and no bday wishes for us) and I feel obliged to at least send a thank you on behalf of DS. Well we moved and of course they would not know that but their birthday card to DS got forwarded and I sent a thank you for the money and a small picture of him and noted our address change. So when a card arrived for Halloween yesterday, DH saw that it had the right address and asked me how they knew it and when I confessed, he got PISSED!!!! Told me it was HIS dad and he had a right to say no contact and I had gone against his wishes. I feel I did fine because it will be up to DS to decide to have a relationship with them however it may be and it is rude not to acknowledge their money and cards. I always sign the cards from Ryan not all of us and cards to them are addressed to grandma and grandpa so as to say we are out of the picture.
So who do you think is right? What would you do in this situation?

Sorry this was so long. Thanks for reading. . . .
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Old 10-28-08, 01:07 PM
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I guess technically I'd side with your dh on this one. It's his father and he obviously has bad memories and issues with him which I totally understand. I don't feel you did wrong really but I think you should have sat down with him and talked it over before you send the TG and given him your side of how you'd like to handle it.
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Old 10-28-08, 01:08 PM
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Tricky one, and in essence you did nothing wrong, you were being polite saying thank you for the money and letting them know where you moved to so they could carry on sending things to your son, but I can see (sorry) why your dh was mad at you, like he said, it is HIS dad and he hasn't made any effort to have a realtionship with his own son.
Difficult one, while you are sending thank you's being polite, you are also going against your husbands wishes not to have contact with his dad.
All depends who you would rather keep "happy" dh or dh's dad!
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Old 10-28-08, 01:50 PM
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How sad for DH...but I agree that I would side with DH, but not be pissed at what you did.

Honestly, I would struggle that the father finds it ok to be in contact with his son's SON but never made an effort to be in contact with his own son, ykwim? I would let it drift off and discontinue the appreciation. Sounds like there is a lot of deep rooted tension and hurt feelings and your DH needs you on his side....doesn't sound like he deserves a thank you after all of the years of nonsense and treatment to your DH.

Sorry that he got upset with you

Last edited by FingersX; 10-28-08 at 01:52 PM.
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Old 10-28-08, 02:48 PM
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I dont think you did anything wrong and I wqould have sent a thank you too, but I can also see why dh would be upset, maybe from now on, just dont respond or send the card back (which to me is extremely rude and I would never do it) but maybe ask dh how he would like to handle it from this point on -
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