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Old 10-19-04, 02:46 AM
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Default Auto Reapair

Subject: Auto Repair


From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove to Wal-Mart, only to have their car

break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to go ahead and do her shopping while he fixed the car right there in the lot.

The wife returned a short time later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man had shorts on, his lack of underpants turned private parts in glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, needed three stitches in his forehead.
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Old 10-19-04, 02:47 AM
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Default Wisdom of Will Rodgers

THE WISDOM OF WILL ROGERS

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman... neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men. The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. AND FINALLY After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him... The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
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Old 10-19-04, 02:48 AM
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Default Coming out...(A/C)

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, so he went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."

His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay - doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth after they may have been in someone's rectal canal?"

The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right."

His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!!!!!"
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Old 10-19-04, 02:48 AM
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Default Cat got What??? (A/C)

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying.

On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel like coming in the next day.

By then, I thought, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.

The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed!! The garbage disposal is dead. Come and reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!"

"I am scared!" she pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, without any respect to my circumstances. Nay,it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink.

At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt a t the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region. .

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing straight up, the sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing hysterical
laughter.

At the office, my colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about.

"What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"

If they had only known.....
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Old 10-19-04, 02:49 AM
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Default Mating...

Subject: Mating
> >
> >A man took his wife to the State Fair and one of the exhibits is that of
>breeding bulls.
> >
> >They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, "This bull
>mated 50 times last year." The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said,
>"he mated 50 times last year."
> >
> >They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said,
>"This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife hit her husband and said,
>"that's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
> >
> >They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying, "This
>bull mated 365 times last year." The wife got really excited and said,
>"that's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."
> >
> >The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the
>same cow."
> >
> >The husband is expected to recover.
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