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  • bjlmom bjlmom's Avatar 08-08-04 | 12:21 AM
  • Are You MENSA Material - Take a Quick Test

    1. What do you put in a toaster?

    The answer is bread. If you said "toast", then give up now and go do
    something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread", go to
    question 2.

    2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk". What do cows drink?

    Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk", please do not attempt
    the next question. Your brain is obviously overstressed and may even
    overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading
    something more appropriate such as "Children's World". If you said,
    "water" then proceed to question three.

    3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made
    from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black
    house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?

    Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks",
    what are you still doing here reading these questions? If you said
    "glass", then go on to question four.

    4. Twenty years ago, a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If
    you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West
    Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the
    engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is
    also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately, the
    engine fails before he has time and the plane crashes smack in the
    middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where
    would you bury the survivors - East Germany or West Germany or in "no
    man's land"?

    Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING
    else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone
    from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If you
    said, "Don't bury the survivors" then proceed to the next question.

    5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60th of a degree every minute
    then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?

    Answer: One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or anything other than
    "one degree", you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you
    are obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and exit the
    room. Everyone else proceed to the final question.

    6. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to
    Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In
    Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In
    Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get
    off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five
    people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You
    then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?

    Answer: Oh, for heaven sake! It was YOU, Read the first line!!!
  • bjlmom bjlmom's Avatar 08-08-04 | 01:43 AM
  • 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
    for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much
    leave me the heck alone.

    2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a
    leaky tire.

    3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
    neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

    4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

    5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be

    6. No one is listening until you fart.

    7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

    8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

    9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
    car payments.

    10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
    shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you
    have their shoes.

    11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

    12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
    fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

    13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
    probably worth it.

    14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

    15. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

    16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

    17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes
    from bad judgment.

    18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and
    put it back in your pocket.

    19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

    20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side,
    and it holds the universe together.

    21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

    22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are

    23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need

    24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

    25. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our
    butt...Then things get worse.

    26. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
    laxative on the same night.

    27. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

    28. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too

    29. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
    make a big deal about your birthday...around age 11.

    30. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
  • bjlmom bjlmom's Avatar 08-08-04 | 02:25 AM
  • When I was:

    Four years old: My daddy can do anything.

    Five years old: My daddy knows a whole lot.

    Six years old: My dad is smarter than your dad.

    Eight years old: My dad doesn't know exactly everything.

    Ten years old: In the olden days, when my dad grew up, things were sure different.

    Twelve years old: Oh, well, naturally, Dad doesn't know anything about that. He is too old to remember his childhood.

    Fourteen years old: Don't pay any attention to my dad. He is so old-fashioned.

    Twenty-one years old: Him? My Lord, he's hopelessly out of date.

    Twenty-five years old: Dad knows about it, but then he should, because he has been around so long.

    Thirty years old: Maybe we should ask Dad what he thinks. After all, he's had a lot of experience.

    Thirty-five years old: I'm not doing a single thing until I talk to Dad.

    Forty years old: I wonder how Dad would have handled it. He was so wise.

    Fifty years old: I'd give anything if Dad were here now so I could talk this over with him.

    Too bad I didn't appreciate how smart he was. I could have learned a lot from him.

    Writer Unknown
  • Marilyn 08-10-04 | 01:48 PM
  • I loved it!
  • bjlmom bjlmom's Avatar 08-17-04 | 04:43 PM
  • Dear Dogs,

    When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions
    with each other so there are still two dogs in the way.

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The
    other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw
    print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it
    becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing
    in the slightest.

    The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
    Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help,
    because I fall faster than you can run.

    I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry
    about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to
    ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping, they can
    actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular
    to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also
    know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out
    the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.

    My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

    For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
    some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is
    not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw
    under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the
    same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for
    years, canine attendance is not mandatory.

    The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs butt. I
    cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

    Your Overwhelmed Owner

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