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Old 12-06-04, 05:37 AM
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JB, you've never been through this with me before. My friends here can tell you that I'm incredibly negative after I transfer. I already believe it didn't work. I'm never happy after a transfer because I dwell on all the things that went wrong. There was hardly any fragmentation with the embryos. I only wished there was better cell division. I know the poor things were tortured with being frozen and being thawed but a girl can hope for super embryos to emerge. I have no frozens left. The embryos not transferred were not in good shape i.e. cell loss or not not dividing properly. The embryologists said that they would not refreeze them but would dispose of them. I also had a new dr at my clinic who has only been doing this for a few months. You know I was very uptight about that.

On Saturday morning at 7:30 am, I was rudely awaked by a loud voice and an alarm. It took a few seconds to realize that a PA system was going off in my room. The announcement was that we had to vacate our rooms because there could be a fire in the hotel. I wasn't panicked about a fire. Somehow, I really didn't believe there was a fire. I peaked out my door and saw people walking in their pajamas. I asked if they were going to walk down the stairs. Obviously, there were but I was kind of hoping that maybe we could just stand in the hall until there was more info. I went back into my room and started to cry. Here I am attempting to be good, staying at a hotel so I could do my bedrest. I keep focusing on my directions which specifically says not to walk up/down stairs. I'm Miss Claustrophobia so I actually like to stay on lower floors so I can take the stairs instead of using elevators. However, since I knew I wouldn't be going in and out during my stay, I opted for a room on the concierge level where they pamper you and I would have a larger room so my dog wouldn't go batty. I was already in a T shirt so I pulled on some jeans and grabbed my dog. I made it down to the 15th floor when someone said we could go back to our rooms. I walked out to the rooms on the 15th floor and pushed the elevator button. They had yet to turn the elevators back on so I now I had to walk up the stairs. Probably due to all the hormones I'm on, I was in hysterics by the time I got back to the room. I called down to the manager to find out what happened. I wanted to know if there was faulty wiring that set this thing off or was someone playing a prank and rang an alarm. I was told there was no manager on duty until 9 am. I couldn't fathom this for a hotel this large. I started yelling at the woman at the front desk while at the same time making it clear that I wasn't yelling at her. Somewhere in the midst of my hormonal hell, I still had the sense to be somewhat rational and didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

By 9 am, I was composed. I went downstairs and asked to speak with the manager. It turns out there were several managers there at the time of the alarm. I was just given incorrect info. When the manager came out of her office, I burst into tears again. I just started blabbering...do you know how hard it is to do IVF? etc etc. I explained the concept of bedrest. I told her if it didn't work, I'd always wonder if it was because of this "fire" alarm. Then she asked me if my husband was with me which got me to finally got me to smile. I said no, husband, too many years with Mr. Wrong. She said she could relate to that. She was very understanding. She openly admitted that she couldn't imagine what I was going through. Then she asked me what I wanted. (When I previously called down in my hysterics, I told the front desk I was going to sue) I started to cry again because I didn't know what I wanted. I just needed to vent. I was alone with no one to talk to. Jaime, I thought you'd be up at that hour since you've called me early on Saturday mornings but didn't want to take the chance that you were sleeping. I left a weepy message on Monique's cell phone. I was terribly pathetic. My father had already left to attend a Bat Mitzvah. Had he been home, he would have told me to stay in the room. I thought about this later. He had a stent put in this summer. I never would have allowed him to walk stairs.

The rest of my stay was quite nice. There was a park across the street from the hotel which was very good for Bella. On Saturday night, they had a winter festival and a tree lighting. There was Big Band era music. Bella found children to play with. I just wish I could have her play with a child of mine. While standing and listening to the music, I felt a pinch on the right side of my abdomen. For a second, I allowed myself to be hopeful and think that some embryo was embedding in my lining. I then remembered my fatalist mentality and put the notion out of my mind.

I go for b/w and u/s on December 8th to see how my lining is doing and if my hormone levels are okay. Usually, 1 week later my clinic has you go for beta. I'm not sure if they changed things or they are closed for some reason because now it is 8 days later. And you know what that means JB.....we go for our betas on the same day.
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Old 12-06-04, 08:54 AM
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Faith of course I was awake.........every morning starts before 5AM for me and earlier now that I'm sick and can't sleep!! You can call me anytime day or night, I usually have my phone right there by me somewhere.

I'm sure the stair walk was fine
 
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Old 12-06-04, 01:18 PM
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Faith, that whole stupid fire alarm ordeal sounds absolutely horrible. What a nightmare. You must be wondering how in the world that possibly could have happened to you. You also sound like you feel very alone right now. Clearly you aren't -- you have many friends who love you and are pulling like crazy for this to be your cycle.

After my transfer I went to get a massage because I was trying desperately to do things that would relax me. So after trying to stay relaxed while fighting my way through vicious LA traffic to the spa, trying to stay relaxed while parking my car in the parking lot from hell, trying to stay relaxed while walking 4 blocks to the spa, trying to stay relaxed while walking up and down the stairs in the spa to get to the waiting area, and trying to stay relaxed while my massage therapist forgot I was waiting for her, I managed to relax just enough so that sleep deprivation overcame me and I fell absolutely dead asleep during the massage. So unconscious was I, in fact, that I was only awakened by what the therapist called "pelvic rocking," wherein she was violently jerking my entire pelvic girdle back and forth, back and forth in order to align something or other. I flew into a panic and asked her how long she had been yanking me around like that and she said "a few minutes." !!!!!!!!!!!!! As far as I was concerned, she was literally shaking my embryos off of my uterus, like shaking apples off a tree. Did she not hear me tell her I had an IVF transfer a few days earlier?? I bawled all the way home (while trying to stay relaxed through yet more traffic) and basically bawled for the next 2 weeks. The nurse at my RE's office told me if shaking your pelvis was a good method of preventing or ending pregnancy, every pg teenager in the world would be doing it -- which is acutally a pretty good point. In the end, it turned out that 1 embryo had managed to hang on while I was turned into the human milkshake. So my point is, don't despair. I know you're at the end of your rope and that fire alarm was the last thing you needed, and I would be standing right behind you yelling at the staff too if I'd been there, but I'd also be secretly whispering to you that objectively speaking it is very unlikely that walking up and down some stairs is going to prevent this cycle from working, so please don't worry.

I know this doesn't get any easier. My thoughts are with you. One day, either in 8 months or some time soon after that, you will have your baby. You've got too much determination and too much drive -- you are going to get your kid. You just have to get through all this crazy cr@p in the meantime first.
 

Last edited by sarehl; 12-06-04 at 01:20 PM.
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Old 12-07-04, 08:32 AM
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Sarah, thank you for your lovely words. In hindsight, I guess I did feel alone at the moment of the fire alarm. I did take comfort that I was there with my sweet Bella. She knows what I'm going through. She always has an odd expression on her face when she sits very quietly as I do an injection. And while I might have taken a risk with my life, I would never put my 4 legged baby in jeopardy so leaving for the stairwell was really my only option. How can anyone other than friends and family or another person who has been through this know what any of us are going through/have gone through. Now that I'm home I'm okay. There are a few people at work who also know what I'm doing. It's amazing that once you open up, others share their problems with getting pg. I know it's a stretch but there are several women at work who have had problems or have had m/c (they are young too) that sometimes I wonder if we have somewhat of a "sick building syndrome".

I can imagine you flipping out from the massage. After transfer, I will only myself reflexology for relaxation. I guess we all go through our own emotional turmoil after transfer. It just seems that my life is one big Murphy's Law.

Thanks for caring
 
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Old 12-07-04, 07:08 PM
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Glinda, you poor thing!!! You know you can call me and DP any time of day or night, too. I really don't think you have anything to worry about with the stairs, but I totally would have flipped out, too. And stop putting out to the universe all these negative thoughts!!! You have to imagine those little embies in there digging in and staying positive for them. I need to practice what I preach, but I've definitely been better this cycle.

JB, good luck on those 2 little embies! Are you planning on POAS before 12/16? Man, that seems like an awful long time to wait!! My clinic does beta's on 6 and 8 days after a blast transfer or 8 and 10 days after a 3 day transfer.

Sarah, that massage would have totally flipped me out, too!! Oh my!!!!! I can never get a massage where the person rubs me hard enough. Next time I go for one, I gotta search out some dude with big, strong hands.
 


Ya know, I'm really not flipping out too much this time. I figure I can't change the outcome of this IVF, so there is no point in being neurotic. I just know that we have 13 blasts to work with in the future and I still have 2 fresh cycles to try if this one doesn't work. My first beta was today and then they will do my 2nd one on Thursday. So, sometime around 3pm PST on Thursday I should know the outcome of this cycle. I have absolutely NO symptoms, but I also know that doesn't mean anything. Today I am feeling rather crampy, but I figure it's just the PIO or sups I'm taking. We transferred 2 blasts on 12/1.
 

 
We also have finished our adoption homestudy process and are now waiting for the SW to type up her 25 page report on us. I'm hoping that in the next 6 months they will be calling us because they have a 3 day old infant that they want us to come get. We'll see what happens.

I resigned from my job and will become the stay at home wife/mommy that I have wanted to be for years. I also just took my CA State real estate exam yesterday and should have the results back either this week or next. How bad would that suck if I failed the exam and got a BFN??? Then again, I'll be on top of the world if I get a BFP and passed the exam. Oh man.....now I am starting to obsess. All this waiting...waiting....waiting.....
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