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Old 12-16-04, 03:30 PM
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Maddy, this is miserable.

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I just want to die right now. I seriously feel like the end of the world just happened
I need you to hear me when I tell you that it is NOT the end of the world. This is your third IVF and your third loss. It is sheer agony, nothing less. But you are strong and brave and determined and you must say to yourself, "Not this time, but maybe next time."

You talked before about killing your babies. You must believe me when I tell you that the overwhelming likelihood is that those perfect-looking embryos happened to have had, by some horribly unfair and crappy luck, genetic abnormalities that kept them from developing. So I want you to try to take the responsibility for this off of your shoulders, because we all know that you have done everything you knew to do in order to give those embies the best possible chance. So you get a gold medal.

Do you remember when you were talking about how many fertilized this time, and Dr. L. said to you, "What if the 6-celled one is your baby?" Well, what if?? What if you & C just have to go through the process of trying out more of those beautiful frosties and making more fresh before you get your baby, but then you finally do get him or her? I'll tell you what, when that happens you will say that you'd go through it all ten more times. So this step is not the end of the world. Iit is on the timeline, a part of the process.

I wish I had an answer as to why it hasn't worked yet. I don't know, but I will promise you this -- and this is based on continuous, true and firsthand experience -- that women who suffer through this s*** are FAR better parents and enjoy their lives as parents FAR more than women who did not. Universal truth. Maybe they get the easy-getting-pregnant part, but you get the better-rest-of-your-life part after it happens. I wish like crazy that your beta had gone up and not down, but I swear to you that when you finally get your baby, you and C will make two of the best mommies on earth.

You really will.
 

Last edited by sarehl; 12-16-04 at 03:34 PM.
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Old 12-16-04, 03:40 PM
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is living life..
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I'm very sorry sweetie.
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Old 12-16-04, 04:45 PM
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I'm so sorry Maddy.
 
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Old 12-16-04, 07:17 PM
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Sarehl, I cried so hard when I read your post. I don't do that often. Thanks for the pep talk/snapping me back to reality. This past week has truly been h*ll for me and I just can't stop crying. It's not even crying....it's horrible, mad sobbing. When I'm finally not crying, I'm just on the verge of doing so.

I am just so scared that there is something wrong with me that we will never know what it is. Is it my fibroids? Do I have some weird genetic problem? Is it my sperm donor? Is it NK cells? I could ask about another 1,000 questions here. I'm just so sad and feel so sorry for myself. Everybody around me is getting pg, having babies, or enjoying being mommies. And I'm just here....stuck in limbo......knowing that I have 3 babies that have died inside of me. It's just a horrible thought I can't get out of my head and heart.

There is a band that I love (sister 7) that did a song that goes "If I can make it through this one, there's something around the corner, it's got to get better than this". I just have to keep telling myself that and praying that our child is just around the corner.

I was telling DP today that when I was in my cycle I thought, "Hmm..if this one doesn't work, we do have 13 embies just waiting for us and we have 2 more fresh cycles that insurance will help out with. We also will become mommies through adoption in 2005. I'm going to be ok with a negative because we have plans A, B, C, and D going". I know how extremely lucky I am, but right now I just can't see that. I think it's going to take some time for me to grieve this loss and when I'm back to shooting up that Gonal F and Repronex I will feel gung ho and much better. A negative is much easier to take. Knowing that a little life was trying to grow inside of me and didn't make it is hard to take.
 


I asked this once before....but is it possible to die from a broken heart?
 
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Old 12-16-04, 07:18 PM
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What a sad and lonely place this world would be if you were to shrivel up and die. Maddy, right now you don't see how much you have going for you. I envy you. You have great looking blasts on ice. You have 2, not 1, uteruses to work with. You passed your home study with flying colors that before you know it, you'll be pg, and Caroline too, and your social worker will be knocking on your door with another baby. You may not see it now but your cup runneth over. You just need the clouds to pass. A sunny day is right around the corner.

Love you
 
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