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-   -   going insane (http://www.thebabycorner.com/boards/marriage-relationships-577/going-insane-403456)

katiedaily1013 08-21-14 02:48 PM

going insane
 
So yes...im new here i saw the Vent area and decided to go for it cause Lord knows i need too....im a second time mommy so you would think id get the hang of it...yea right....my husband is a few years younger than me and we are in our 20s if that helps....we have an 8 month old son together...dont get me wrong...hubby is a hard worker...he takes care of us and i couldnt ask for more...but the type of work he does (construction/home remodeling) allows him to be off work for up to weeks at a time depending what time of year it is...you would think that while hes sitting around the house doing absolutely nothing he would at least offer to pick up, or do dishes or even CHANGE A DIAPER!!!! Which by the way he absolutely hates to do....our son, even tho being 8 months old, still doesnt sleep thru the night...he has acid reflex so if dinner is to much for him hes up all night...u think hubby gets up with him...nope...since having him in early december last year i can count on one hand how many times hubby has helped with him...do u think im expecting too much...or does he need to be more of a hands on daddy? I do everything by myself...cooking,cleaning, everything and i stay up late with hubby so we can have our time when baby is asleep...how can i break the ice on the subject without being rude and causing a fight? Ughhhhh......i need a vacation

Elizabeth 08-23-14 01:31 PM

Hi Katie!

I know what you mean! It sounds like you do need a vacation! And no, you are not expecting too much. You also need down time, and it doesn't sound like you're getting it! Have you tried talking to your husband before? If so, what happened? Does he suffer from depression? Dad's also can suffer postpartum depression. Read this! http://www.thebabycorner.com/page/2725/

In a perfect world, he should be a more hands on Dad yes. Sometimes this doesn't happen. But it doesn't mean he's a lost cause!

My husband and I have gone through many arguments over the same things. What I've found is that it never worked, and made us drift apart. What I realized after some serious conversations with my husband and years of extensive research on communication in marriage is that these problems are all a result of lack of communication, and a lot of assumptions being made about roles and division of household chores. And with a baby it makes it even harder!

My husband always says, "I can't read your mind," and, "you always did this before so I didn't think it was a problem," or "I just assumed that since you're the Mom...." So he assumes I have everything taken care of and he can just enjoy doing whatever. Then I would get upset and attack! I found that if a routine of you handling everything has been established, that routine is here to stay until a calm discussion happens.

It's important for us wives to be gentle and not get upset when approaching the subject, or any touchy subject for that matter!

First, make your husband feel valued and needed. Say, "I need you". Don't do everything! Let some things go. Don't do his chores for him. Let them sit and wait for him.

Be assertive, but calm when you approach him, and explain to him that you are exhausted and need his help. Not "some help", but "his help". Men love to feel needed! Be respectful, and make sure you mention how you appreciate how hard he works at his job and provides for the family!

Use "I" language such as "I feel angry when you don't [describe behavior]. Actually, don't use the word, "You" at all.

Don't accuse, and don't assume. Don't compare exhaustion levels. This always led to a fight between my husband and I!

Then you two can compromise. Make sure you know what you want him to do before you start the conversation, and tell him.

Be understanding. Dads feel a lot of pressure from work, providing for the family, and the stress of making sure he's stays employed, especially these days when the economy is so rough. Construction and home remodeling is a very physically demanding job. My husband has a physically demanding job and the last thing he wants to do on his days off is more physical work, including anything that required standing on his feet! This is one of downsides for Dads who have a manual labor job. But, when he's on vacation, there's no reason why he can't help.

But with a lot of effective communication we have been able to get to the point where our household run very smoothly, and there's time for both of us to relax and spend time together!

lr24baby 04-21-15 12:44 AM

Elizabeth gave great advice and she is far more patient than I am. I am pretty blunt, unfortunately. I just had my very first baby and I see how much work she is. Don't get me wrong, it's the most amazing thing ever, but if my husband weren't such a big help I'm not sure how I would keep my sanitY with maintaining the house and the baby. Like Elizabeth said, they can't read our minds and I have to remember to ask for help. When he I do, he is on it. But knowing me, if he didn't help and I asked - let's just say, I would not be a very pleasant person to say the least. He is a daddy and it is his job as much as it is yours (in my opinion) to take care of your precious baby boy! Good Luck! :)

Veronica_jones1 09-03-17 10:50 PM

Hey Dear, what I can assess out of your situation is that your boyfriend is simply trusting you with the baby more than anyone else. Though at some point it is fine but then it is not helping and you will become sicker. You need to talk to him politely and close this chapter before it gets on your nerves and makes you all the more cranky. He might be under the stress because it is not only the mother who has to go through all the changes.

Melisaadams 09-22-17 03:40 AM

Change the moods
 
Don't take things personally. The lack of maturity of eggs is the reason that I am not able to get pregnent. I have been working really hard and focusing on hope.

Just keep Moving forward.


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