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Having a rough time...Meltdown Mentioned

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Old 10-20-04, 10:51 AM
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Unhappy Having a rough time...Meltdown Mentioned

I hope you guys don't mind me still posting here, even though I am not techinically TTC anymore. I just need to vent a little and get this little story off of my chest.
I had been ttc for almost 3 years. w/ 2 early m/c's when I got my POF diagnosis. When I heard that my fsh was 138...I didn't cry, I didn't throw a hissy, I just seemed to go about my day as if nothing had happened.
This was back in late March/early April. At the same time, I was dealing with finding out my 18 year old kitty had cancer and having to put him down...not to mention that we were in the midst of buying a home. Not a great time. But I think that since so much was going on...I didn't have time to really sit down and let thinks sink in.

The past few weeks, my attitude (anger, pissiness) has been getting the better of me. Every pregnant woman I see, every happy couple parading around their newborn, it all seems to be a personal affront to me. Like I was bad and am getting my nose rubbed in it.

Every time I read a new story about a women going through this..or any other type of infertility, the anger deepens. Why do any of us have to deal with this??? I know, I know, life isn't fair..but of all things...

Anyway, last night, out of the blue...I just lost it. I hadn't cried since all this started, but boy, I think I made up for it last night. I don't know what brought it on, but the dam broke.

I feel like I am being incredibly ungrateful to whine about this. I have a house, a great husband, 2 adorable little kitties....I know a lot of people have a lot less, and yet here I am..whining.
Is it normal to have just a delayed reaction? I am thinking that this also may have something to do with going off hrt. I was bad and stopped taking it because of the non-stop cramps and spotting. Maybe it's all just a hormonal freakout, I don't know.

Last edited by Tiffanni; 10-20-04 at 10:53 AM.
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Old 10-20-04, 01:39 PM
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You can post here anytime Tiffanni. I'm sorry you had this meltdown...it can be normal to have a delayed reaction. Sometimes I think that after each bit of bad news I get, I deal with it a little and then push it aside. I do things that keep me busy and my mind off of this crap that has been given to me. Every once and a while I end up crying for what seems like nothing but it is letting go of everything. I think the same way you do and get angier the longer this is taking...I also feel like every pg woman or someone with a new baby is being rubbed in my face (I know it's not their fault). I avoid alot of things so that my sadness doesn't come creeping out (I used to go to the due date boards and I don't go there any more...why put myself through that).

You don't sound ungrateful, every once and a while it feels good to get things out.

P.S. I was reading your blog from October 19 - the updated part - I could see myself in your words completely (except the hrt part)!! I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

Last edited by Erinn; 10-20-04 at 01:41 PM.
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Old 10-22-04, 05:17 AM
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I'm so sorry that you have gone through so much but as Erinn said you are not alone and and it is incredibly unfair. Delayed reaction is normal, I've had many myself. You were going through a very hard time and sometimes when the pain is too much to bear we blank it out and go on auto pilot. I've felt many times that my heart would break in half so I just completely go on with my life until such time that something minor will set me off.

You do need to vent and to cry and to scream out loud, bottling those kind of feelings is very bad for us and makes what we are dealing even more difficult.

What I'm saying I know how you feel and wish I could magically fix it for you. Use this board as support because at least everyone here does know what you are going through.


 
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Old 10-22-04, 05:29 AM
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Oh Tiff
 
I wish I could reach in the computer and give you a hug. I want you to know how much I care, and how much I wish I could take away this horrible pain.

You vent all you want.. that's why this board is here!!!

This is so horribly unfair and just SUCKS! I'll never understand .. and honestly don't want to try to figure it out for the rest of my life.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry your heart hurts more than any other pain that I know of.

You know it's ok to be upset about this.. just shows how much you truly want to be a Mom and even more what kind of Mom you'll be when you finally get your miracle.

I'm here if ever you need me.

Susanne
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