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You are here: Home > Fertility & Trying to Conceive > Conception

The Paradox of Giving Up TTC

by Lori Ramsey |
1 Comments


To many women (myself included, at times) becoming pregnant takes on the main focus of their life. Everything else fades into the background, and a whole new level of obsession is discovered. With it comes strife and discord, especially with the very ones we love the most.

Obsessing about getting pregnant is walking a very thin line. What started out as a way to be on the road to conception, can quickly get out of hand and become reckless driving. Innocently enough, many women, when faced with possible infertility, can go over the edge. Believe me, I understand. I was one of those women in, the not so distant past. And sadly, the one who probably suffers the most is the one we want to have the baby with.

What was once a fun thing to do — what was once "making love" for love's sake — has turned into a dreaded chore. Most men (and I'm quoting from my husband, whom I believe to be fully in the norm) feel like they have turned into mere baby-making machines.

Does this sound familiar? You only want to "make love" at peak times in your cycle. You let your basal body temperature and qualities of "fertility" signs control your mood. I used to be in a horrible mood the entire day if my basal body temperature wasn't where I thought it should be. I only wanted to "do it" if I was fertile — otherwise "what's the point?" Right? Actually, wrong. The only thing that should prevent "making love" whenever the mood strikes is when the man has a low sperm count.

The paradox here is letting go. If you can relate to the above scenario, then it's time to sit back, take a deep breath and ask yourself why you want a baby in the first place. Is it not supposed to be the ultimate expression of love between a man and a woman?

I know how hard it is to try month after month--hoping for a pregnancy, only to be disappointed. It takes on a life of its' own, spiraling out of control into the land of obsession. But the tried and true method that has worked three times for me is to simply quit trying so hard.

As hard as giving up sounds, especially if you have tried for so long, it may just be what the doctor orders. Aside from true fertility problems, giving up can be the positive answer you are looking for. At least give it a try. Take a break. Spend a couple of months just making love when the mood strikes. Pay no attention to temperature or fertility signs. Relax. Have fun. You just may be pleasantly surprised with a positive pregnancy test at the end of the month. It happened to me all three times. Even though I obsessed for 16 months with my third pregnancy I learned a valuable lesson. In all the months I agonized over my fertility signs, I finally achieved the goal. I simply quit trying and then it only took one month.

I am by no means saying that charting your fertility signs and ovulation kits will not play a role in trying to conceive. They do, and are very beneficial if done in a relaxed tone and in moderation. Keep the obsessing at bay, learn to relax and live in the moment—nature will find a way!

My name is Lori Ramsey. My education consists of a diploma in Business Data Processing. I also successfully completed two courses with the Famous Writers School on Basic Writing and Fiction Writing. I am a mother of two children ages 4 and 2. I am currently pregnant with my third child, due to be born in early November.

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Kaz Aug 5, 2011 10:06:39 AM ET

While i can appreciate what you are trying to say, this will not work for eveyone and makes light of those trying to conceive with true fertility issues. do you know how many breaks infertiles take because it just gets to be too much? or how many times an infertile hears "just relax, stop trying and it will happen". of course, only to have their hopes dashed month after month. i'm glad relaxing and taking a break worked for you. and hope that it does work for others. but i want others to know that there is good possibility if they have been trying for a number of years, relaxing may not work.

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