Minimize The Waves Of DivorceLiz Wertman
Divorce drops into our private pond and creates waves that last beyond our lifetime.
We must make ripples instead.
Divorce is never envisioned when we give birth to our children. They were conceived in love. We had full intentions of keeping that love strong always. As pre-divorced parents you created a stable loving environment for your children to thrive on. Hopes of good health, love and happiness filled your heart while watching your children with pride. As parents you realize that they depend on you for everything in their young lives, you are their idols. They look up to you in every way, with needs for security, love and guidance. We give it unselfishly and unconditionally.
Because they were born into a loving family, they take for granted that it will last forever. They go about their lives thriving on the love from both their parents. Then reality sets in - a divorce divides the two most important people in their lives.
Everything in life has consequences, good and bad. Divorce is no exception. Only you, as parents can minimize your children's divorce consequences.
It's not so much the divorce that causes the emotional damage; it's the conflict, arguments and bitterness that accompany it. They see this as a threat to their security. Most children feel that they have caused the divorce because they don't understand how the two people they love most in the world could stop loving each other. In the beginning they try to change, they'll do almost anything you say for fear that you will stop loving them also. When they realize that they don't have any control over the divorce, major problems can occur. Watch out for anger, frustration, falling grades and any behavior that isn't age appropriate or normal for them. Perhaps taking them to a child psychologist might be necessary.
What you are going through is difficult, but we are adults and we need to put aside our needs to care for our children like we did pre-divorce.
Don't lean on them; let them lean on you. Keep them out of the middle of all issues. Don't ask them to take sides. Make sure they know how much you both love them. So many inevitable changes will occur in a short time to these young lives, try not to add to it.
Spend regular time with them, talking or doing things you always have done with them. Whether you are the custodial parent or not keep regular, familiar routines. They will be watching you very closely, act as pre-divorce as possible. If they ask questions regarding the divorce, give light age appropriate answers.
Always keep the commitments and promises you make to them; they need that security now more than ever. If possible stay in the family home, and when you must move try and stay in the same neighborhood, the same school. The less changes the better.
Remember, the divorce may or may not have been your idea, but it certainly wasn't your children's, and they will be paying the highest price for it. The emotional scars will live on in them and their children. You as adults must put them first to reduce their emotional scarring. This is the one thing you have total control over in your divorce.
The ripples may last forever but they don't have to become waves.
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By Liz Wertman, Excerpt from "Divorce Strategy for Men and Women". Your guide through the maze of divorce. http://www.divorcewell.com email@example.comMinimize The Waves Of DivorceMommydays.com - Just For Moms Be the first to add your comment, or ask a question.
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