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12 Ways to Keep the Spice in Your Relationship While TTC

Katlyn Joy |12, June 2013


Sounds like a great problem to have; needing to have lots of sex. But when weeks slip into months and still no baby, something that started as a joyous and fun experience may wind up feeling like a chore on the level of folding laundry.

How can couples keep the spark while still trying to make a baby?

1. Don't forget the true goal.

You love this person so much you want to make another little person from that love. Try to keep this in perspective and if you need a conception break to get that viewpoint back, don't hesitate.

2. Never treat your partner as a part.

In other words, your man is not a mere sperm donor so don't ever allow yourself to treat him as such. Don't assume "he's a man, he's always ready to go and grateful for it." Nothing will shut his sex drive down quite as fast as being treated, repeatedly, like a piece of meat. Don't demand, forget your manners or get too clinical about the act.

3. Don't get bound up by rules.

It's true it's best to avoid lubricants even saliva when having baby-making sex, so you should avoid oral sex. However, that's only true for about one week of sexual activity per month, so make sure you enjoy it the rest of the month. You have rear-entry or missionary sex to make a baby? Then other sexual encounters should sometimes consist of other positions such as woman on top, or standing against the wall for instance.

4. Get a change of scenery.

Many couples take babymoons or conception trips planned around a romantic location and those days circled in red on the calendar. That may be a wonderful idea and may do the trick. However, don't forget about all those other days not circled on the calendar. Do they deserve less romance?

5. Take a mini-break.

Can't afford a trip away? Then downscale. Go to a local hotel for the night or weekend, housesit or fix up the family room like a beach cottage for the night. Have sex somewhere else in the house if you usually only go for it in your bed. If you have other children, send them to grandma's.

6. Go to the naughty shop and make some purchases.

Most cities have some that are more female friendly and feel less icky. Buy some lingerie, lotions, toys, anything that suits your fancy. Don't feel pressured to use them all in one night however. You can mix and match and use them over several occasions.

7. Get nostalgic.

Go to an old-fashioned drive in and make out like madly infatuated teenagers. Play footsie at dinner, at that old Italian place you used to frequent when first going out. Take a romantic walk and engage in some tantalizing PDA that whets your appetite for the main course to come at home.

8. Primp and build the anticipation.

Get your hair done, get your nails done, buy a new dress and shoes and don't forget some new perfume. Taking time to prepare yourself for your mate will prime the pump and build some heat.

9. Write love notes or send sexy, sweet cards.

Connect in different ways than you have in awhile and tell your mate again why you love him. He needs to know you still want him, not just his baby.

10. Make a date for a night you know you won't be able to have sex.

Go to dinner and a movie when Aunt Flo arrives. It will lift your spirits and build your connection to your mate. You are a couple first, not just a couple trying to conceive.

11. Take a moment each day to do something for your spouse.

Make his favorite sandwich, rent a favorite film or give him a foot rub. Little expressions of love and appreciation will follow you into the bedroom and likely you will begin receiving some of the same. However, don't do it in anticipation of reciprocity.

12. If you feel like your relationship is battered by the baby-making attempts, take a break.

You need to focus on your relationship first so if you feel your connection isn't as strong, take a time-out and rebuild that bond. If you don't you may find the stress alone will hamper your efforts. Then you will be doubly miserable as you still don't have a baby and furthermore, you don't have a happy marriage anymore either.

Trying to conceive doesn't have to feel like a burden or chore if you keep your eyes on the true prize; the love you already have in front of you.

Katlyn Joy is a mother to 7 children, and a freelance writer. She earned her Master of Arts in Creative Writing and Poetry, and a Bachelor of Arts in English and was previously an adviser to new mothers on breastfeeding through a maternity home program. She currently resides in Colorado with her family.

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Guest Sep 2, 2013 03:10:09 AM ET

Thanks for posting this, it was unbelieveably informative and helped me a lot

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