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The Pregnancy Merry-Go-Round

by by Brenda Hyde
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I am a Mom to two wonderful small boys. I also had two miscarriages in the last year. The first time I was caught off guard.

We had told everyone the moment we had found out,and I was in denial right up until the D and C procedure. I felt violated somehow, and the loss was traumatic. Family tried to comfort me, by sending flowers and cards. I wasn't online yet and the nights were the worst when my husband was working. I knew that we would try again because this was just "one of those things".

The second time I should have been prepared, but I wasn't. I was online now, and I checked the pregnancy calendar daily on a site that I had found. I told a few people and our families this time. I remember the first night I spotted. I was numb. I laid on the couch for two hours and couldn't cry or move. My husband came home and I told him about it. We both sat together and talked about what had happened. He knew that to try and tell me that it was ok wasn't really what I needed. I don't even remember what we talked about, except that I was glad he was home so I didn't have to face it alone.

In the morning I tried to tell myself it was just spotting and it WOULD be ok, but somehow I knew. On the night I actually miscarried, I cried and grieved. We called our families, but it was very strange this time. There were no flowers, just some very awkward moments. My Mom suggested menopause. His Mom didn't seem to want to talk about it. Had I done something wrong? Why was there such a difference in attitude? I still can't answer that. My new online friends were supportive and comforting when my family couldn't be. They made the nights bearable.

My doctor told me I could try again, and he decided that we should let my body heal itself and not have another D and C. He wanted to make me as comfortable as possible. He also told me I wasn't old, as he laughed with me about my age. He told me I could try again but I would have to be strong and be prepared. My doctor has known me a long time and he knew I didn't want to give up. So, my body healed, but it took awhile. I finally had three full normal periods, and it was time to try again. I felt strong and almost defiant. This IS going to work!

Yes, it DID work. I am now pregnant again and I am scared. I am no longer defiant, just emotional and unsure. I didn't really expect to get pregnant the first month! I have bad nights where I cry and tell myself I must be crazy to have done this again. I shout at my husband and tell him that I don't want to lose this baby. I also have good moments where I think things will be fine. I have trusted God for a long time now, and it's time to trust Him again. We didn't tell our families until I was quite a ways into the pregnancy. I didn't want those looks, or that silence when they don't know what to say. Yes, I am 39, and I have had two miscarriages, but I am healthy. I am a good Mom, and I want this baby to live, so I am willing to take the chance again.

Brenda Hyde is a work at home Mom, a freelance writer and editor of her online magazine Seeds of Knowledge ( http://www.seedsofknowledge.com ) She helps families share, preserve and create family memories and history through writing, crafts, and recipes. You can reach her at memories@seedsofknowledge.com or by visiting her website.

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