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What would you do? (CHILDREN MENTIONED)

What would you do? (CHILDREN MENTIONED)

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  • SnowboardingMommy SnowboardingMommy's Avatar 04-25-06 | 07:55 PM
  • Hello everybody!! I still lurk here from time to time to keep up with you all, but don't have a whole lot to contribute since I am starting to think my IVF days are done.

    I was hoping to come here to see if I could get some advice/opinions on what you might do if you were in this situation.

    As a lot of you know, we have adopted two incredibly beautiful girls that are just the loves of my life. I can't imagine loving a biological child more or any different than these two little angels. Here is where the problem comes in......I have always thought having 3 or 4 children would be great and I sometimes feel that we should adopt one more little girl in a couple years when Shaye and Naia are a little older. Having "Irish Twins" is really hard, but not in an "I'm so overwhelmed that I don't know what to do" way. It's just a lot of work and I now know to space the next one (if there is a next one!) out a couple of years for all of our sanity.

    We still have 7 frozen embies and I am just at a loss on what to do with them. I know that if we put them back into DP's uterus we'd probably get 1 more baby, possibly twins. I think my uterus is just bad. LOL!! However, I also have a hard time thinking about mixing bio kids with adopted kids. It's just a hard thing for me to get past.

    I don't desire to be pregnant anymore and I certainly can't even bear the though of cycling, but I also can't bear the thought of thawing my embies out and letting them die. I know I can't donate them (sorta the "if I can't have them nobody can" thing), and I'm really thinking more and more about donating them to stem cell research. BUT (and you knew there would be a but) I still can't help but think that what if one of those (or two of them) could have been my children. Then it just circles back to the I don't want to mix bio with adopted children. ::sigh::: Truly, a vicious cycle.

    So, put yourself in my place and what would you do? Should I just sit on them for 4, 5, 6 years and wait to make that decision? DP is still young (she's 32) and I still wouldn't feel too ancient to be a new mom again. I think about this situation every single day and I just don't know what to do.
     
    I still have 4 vials of sperm from a very popular (now retired) Xytex donor and almost sold them to a woman here, but at the last minute I decided to hold onto them in case I did a combo IUI/IVF cycle. We're paying about $500/year just to keep this sperm around (actually half of it is embie storage). This donor was SO HARD TO GET and I also have trouble letting go of the thought that once he's gone, he's gone.


     

     

     
    I think I need therapy! LOL!
  • MariahsMommy 04-25-06 | 08:04 PM

  •  
    I have not even remotely been in your same situation, so if this sounds stupid, just ignore me
     


    I think that you should have your DP try to conceive via the frozen embies. If she does not conceive, then go with the frozen sperm. If she does conceive, go ahead and transfer it to someone else. I think if you don't give it a try, you will always wonder 'what if?' You are a wonderful mom as I am sure your DP is also and if you can afford it, the more children who are raised by you two, the better this world is going to be. I know you have concerns when it comes to raising bio and adopted children together, but I have asked many adults in that same situation growing up, and they never felt displaced or a second choice. I think it completely depends on the way the children are raised and loved, not at all how they got into the family to begin with
     
  • glinda glinda's Avatar 04-25-06 | 08:54 PM
  • I would wait until you are both ready for #3. At that point, DP should do FET(s). Hopefully, that cycle gives you #3 and #4
     
    . If not, maybe DP should have a go with IVF and the donor sperm since you really have no desire to cycle again.

    I think you already know that it doesn't matter how our babies come to us. How many people have adopted after having bio children? Do you really think they love those children any less than their bio children? We've all got to be biologically related to someone. Shaye and Naia aren't biologically related to each other and they get along great. They are sisters and no one can take that away from them, certainly not some DNA test stating otherwise. They would welcome any other child(ren) into your family. All they would care about is being big sisters, not who the 2 cells belonged to that created embryos.
  • bonnie bonnie's Avatar 04-27-06 | 12:33 PM
  • Maddy, No one can make the decision for you, but I'll give you my two cents (or three)...any baby, bio or not, would be lucky to be part of your family! I have seen how loving you are with your human and furry children...there is penty of love there!!!! I would have DP try an FET when you two are ready to add to your family. I am out of embies, but have thought often about what I would do with any remaining and it is a dilema to be sure...If you think you want to add to your clan someday, might as well use what you've got
     
  • NicholeMatthew NicholeMatthew's Avatar 04-27-06 | 12:51 PM
  • I think you are afraid of mixing bio children with adopted. I think that fear may make you anxious to try with the FET. I would have dp attempt when you two are ready for #3. Then if it doesn't work you can go back to adoption.
     
    But that will settle the What If's forever. KWIM? I wouldn't be afraid of mixing the bio with adopted. You and your dp have a HUGE heart and will be able to make the transition easily. Any questions when they grow up will be you are all my children, nothing more or less... afterall the bio child/ren will wonder about a father at one point and another. You can tell her/him s/he was adopted sperm.