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Do you feel different?

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  • 3Princes 05-02-05 | 07:17 PM
  • Just wondering... even though I'm not pregnant anymore, do you feel like your pg experience will be /has been different from others who did not have trouble getting pregnant? I guess physically it's pretty much the same, so I'm talking about the mental aspect of it. Also, have you left the "infertility" part of your life behind you, or is it still something you think about a lot?
  • Celia_M 05-03-05 | 10:20 AM
  • I still think about it a lot.. I've ordered a book called "parenting after infertility" and am hoping that will help, have also sent off to join a uksupport group called ACE Babies.

    I think the thing that makes me feel most different/angry now is people assume we're "cured" of it now I'm pg - that all the pain of the last years has miraculously vanished - but we're not nor ever will be.. The four "children" I always dreamed of having I got in one go - two perished in a petri-dish, one implanted and faded and the fourth is now 15wks along in there. But three of those don't exist or matter to all bar me.

    I already dread being asked when we'll have no2 etc. We have been really open now about how this baby was conceived (tho' not why the IVF was necc)- hoping that will lead to a little more understanding. But I've already heard more than once "Well now you've done it once I'm sure nature will work for you next time"
     

    It feels like the ghost of infertility is lurking over my shoulder waiting to resurface at any moment. I had to give myself "permission" to vent when suffering from m/s badly - but ultimately decided it is possible and ok to be puking, fed up and pathetically grateful for being in that position all at the same time.

    Dh and I already discussed how soon we'll cycle again, how many times we can afford/want to etc. Were we not dx with mf infertility I doubt we'd have even considered thinking about it yet. Infertility is a part of us now - I don't think we'll ever leave it behind. It's definitely changed dh & I as people.

    Should we have a boy a part of me will worry till the day he tells me "Mum I'm going to be a dad!" that he's inherited the same issue from dh. (We know dh's grandad had mf issues too). Which raises the issue of how much do we tell our baby of how it was conceived and why and when.

    Everyday I pray that those I left behind on the ttc boards will somehow realise their dreams to be parents and that no-one else I know has to experience infertility.

    Did you feel different during your pg? Do you feel different now you're a mum?

     
  • 3Princes 05-09-05 | 05:00 PM
  • I wrote this huge reply a couple days ago and somehow it got deleted!

    When I first got pg, 98% of me was overcome with joy and elation. However, I definitely believe that when something "bad" happens to me, I'm supposed to be learning some lesson from it, and I used to ask God every day to show me what I was supposed to be learning from IF. Once I got pg, that 2% of me wondered how I had changed that I "deserved" to be pregnant now. I also used to get mad when people would laugh about how they weren't even "trying" to get pregnant. Even though I knew it was wrong, I would think about how this person or that person didn't "work very hard" to get pregnant! People shouldn't have to work hard to get pregnant, I would tell myself!

    On the other hand, I decided that as soon as I got pg, I would enjoy every minute as if I "knew" everything would be ok. We told everyone as soon as we had the 6 wk ultrasound. I told myself that I had to just have faith that this pregnancy would turn out ok, even though I didn't really believe that I was going to be a Mommy until we brought the baby home from the hospital! I think I enjoyed being pregnant way more than the average person who didn't have to try hard. I didn't get too upset when I had to slow down and when I had minor complications. I never passed a mirror without looking to see my belly, up until the last day before I had the baby! I think lots of people take pregnancy for granted, and I'm glad that I didn't let a moment of it pass me by without enjoying it.

    I did feel guilty anytime I felt yucky, too (but I didn't get morning sickness) and I would just think about the ladies on these boards and others I know who are still trying and told myself to shut up. That was one of my coping skills during labor- I thought about all the physical and mental pain I'd put myself through to get pregnant over 1 1/2 years, and figured I could easily make it through labor (with my best friend the epidural, of course).
    Infertility has defiinitely become a part of who I am, and I will never forget what we went through.
    During the second half of my pregnancy, I felt more like a "regular" pg person.
    Now that I have Josh, I also think I appreciate the little things more than the average person. When he woke up at 1:30, 3:00, 4:30 and 6 am to eat, I'm still so happy to see him and smile at him and kiss him 100 times, even though I'm so tired. (Luckily now he goes at least 3 hours at night).

    DH and I were talking about #2 (actually more DH) when I was in labor with Josh. I know we wouldn't be doing that if we weren't concerned about IF. AND, if I had a nickel for every time people have said that now we'll get pregnant easily, I'd be rich. Hmmm... being pregnant once is going to cure my PCOS and make me ovulate magically, oh and clear my obstructed tube? We're probably going to start trying again as soon as I get back to work and start bringing in some money again. We also have our license to foster to adopt, so that's another option. Mainly, I'm just taking this time to enjoy Josh. He's getting big already, and everyone tells you how fast it goes by-- which it is already. Good luck, and I hope your m/s goes away soon.
  • cat cat's Avatar 05-09-05 | 05:30 PM
  • You know how IF robs you of that sweet innocence that people have about TTC? Actually getting the BFP - although wonderful - certainly wasn't that picture perfect moment they would put on a pg test commercial. We hardly dared believe it. When DH asked me "what does this mean?" I explained about chemical pg, early m/c, and when we could start to be really confident that the baby would be stick around. It took a week of continued high temps and no AF to really start believing it.

    Since then honestly I think I'm enjoying the pg more than I would have if I'd not had to wait so long for it. Although I'm not really enjoying symptoms such as all-day nausea and extreme fatigue, every time I feel bad I smile inside because it's a reminder that my baby is doing just what it should - staying put and growing. Knowing me, I would probably have been a worrier - but I think I got such a big dose of stress and worry during IF, that I'm really ready just to enjoy every minute with my baby.

    The other thing I learned from IF was how dumb some of the things people say about kids and pg are, and I truly hope I never unlearn this lesson. For eg. yesterday was Mother's Day, and I went to church and was just troubled by the fact that while mothers were celebrated, there was no mention of and no prayer for anyone for whom MD might be difficult - those with IF or those who have lost a mother or a child, for example.

    I think/hope I've also learned never to give unsolicited advice to someone who is going through something I've never been through.

    It's funny - since our IF problems were never explained, I'm a little hopeful that next time might be easier. We might be one of those couples who just needed to do it once to get things going. It's obviously really silly to say that to any IF couple, since many of them do know what the problem is. But I think we probably will start thinking about #2 more quickly than we would have otherwise and will begin TTC pretty much as soon as we can.
  • 3Princes 05-09-05 | 08:15 PM
  • Wow, Christine! It's funny, because when I said I think I'm supposed to "learn" something when I have to go through something, I decided that I "learned" these things along with appreciating the pregnancy experience so much more (I tend to be a big worrier too but don't think I was as much because of IF):

    1) don't judge someone unless you've been through what they have (I always thought I understood that concept before, but I really still had a lot of opinions about people's decisions)

    2) Don't say you would or wouldn't do something until you're in that situation. I always said I *might* do clomid but that was it (not that I thought there was anything wrong with it but thought spending money on fert. treatments that may or may not work was something we didn't have the money for). Well that was fine and good when I wasn't diagnosed with infertility!!! Then, there I was, giving myself shots and doing a monitored IUI!!

    It's funny that our lessons learned seem to be a lot alike.

    I know what you mean about the positive pg test! DH and I were just like, "ok, I have to drive an hour for a blood test now to see what this is all about." When the lady called with the results, I started crying, and DH was like, "what? it didn't work? what?" Plus, the way people wrap up the positive HPT??? I have 7 - SEVEN positive pregnancy tests.

    On the inside, I hope that my body just needed to be pg once, too, but I'm trying to be realistic. I have a lot of questions for my obgyn at my 6 week pp visit. I wonder what the numbers on that are-- how many people with IF end up getting pregnant on their own in a subsequent pregnancy.

    Being a Mom now, I can say that everything I went through was completely and totally worth it. Congratulations-- and enjoy every minute possible.

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