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  • glinda glinda's Avatar 12-16-04 | 08:08 AM
  • Hello
    . I didn't know where else to turn. I guess this is the board for me. I've been trying to have a baby since March 2001. Since that time I've had 6 m/c. I now find myself "p" (have a hard time acknowledging the word) again. I am so scared. I don't think I can express my true feelings on the boards I post on (DI and IVF). It's really not fair to those ladies. They need to stay positive for themselves. I also don't want to rub my "p" in their faces. I know they are very happy for me but I don't know if they should hear whining coming out of my mouth. There have been some heavy negatives over there this month.

    My beta at 10dp3dt (IVF lingo - 10 days post 3 day embryo transfer) was 101. I was very surprised by the high number after getting a light line on the hpt. I went for a repeat beta yesterday at 12dp3dt and the beta doubled perfectly to 205.5. I wasn't even supposed to test til today (13dp3dt). Some of my friends were joking around that there could be more than one but due to a fantastic machine my dr has he was able to see that there was one "bubble" in my uterus. Hopefully, there is nothing hiding in my tube.

    As you can imagine, I'm concerned. It's like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I feel good when I feel twitching in my abdomen and I get very negative when I don't feel those twitches. I automatically think it's over. I felt different twitches last night - sharp ones. It didn't make me feel secure. Now I feel nothing.

    This morning, I'm supposed to get hooked up to a portable IV for the next 10 days. I did this antibiotic treatment over the summer. It's a controversial treatment where it cleanses you of any bacteria and infections. I was willing to try anything. I was at the end of my rope. I've been tested for every immune issue which always comes back negative. Unfortunately, I kept killing off my pgs. Part of me wonders if I'm doing this for nothing because the embryo is already gone. This treatment is far from cheap. If my next beta tomorrow shows a drop, I'm going to rip that needle right out of my arm. I just wouldn't know where to go from here.

    Sorry for being so negative. I promise I will get better (as long as my beta increases). I'm usually quite funny.

    Thanks for listening.
  • froglegs froglegs's Avatar 12-16-04 | 10:05 AM

    Glinda. Congratulations on your new little bean in there. While I haven't experienced the number of losses that you have, I think I can say that we all understand your fear and anxiety. I'm 36+ weeks and I still worry everyday about my little girl.

    We'll be
    and toes and everything else for those numbers to keep climbing! Stay healthy and positive!

  • babyMarksMom babyMarksMom's Avatar 12-16-04 | 02:15 PM
  • I am so happy to have you join us here. all your feelings are completely normal and you are welcome to vent them here. I can get pretty gloomy you said, waiting for the other shoe to drop..but when I post here about it, the ladies are always so positive. I'll be praying everyday until you're holding that little one in your arms. one day at a moment at a time..step by step
  • glinda glinda's Avatar 12-16-04 | 08:07 PM
  • Thanks Kelly and Brenda. Well since you said I could vent
    .........Do you recall any symptoms from the very beginning of your pgs? I'm really concerned, actually thinking the worst, that I haven't felt any more dull aches. Last night I felt sharp aches. I really didn't like how they felt. And just now, I had the runs. I'm trying to convince myself that it could either be from the 2 hot dogs with mustard, sauerkraut and onions that I bought from a vendor at lunchtime or it's because the IV is in me and I have ampicillin running through my veins (possible side effect).

    I just wish I had my head in the toilet. Somehow, psychologically that would make me feel great. My mouth is still dry so I guess that's a good thing. I know this is weird but when I am pg, my hair looks terrific. This morning it didn't look too hot.

    Any thoughts?

  • babyMarksMom babyMarksMom's Avatar 12-16-04 | 09:40 PM
  • first, try to remember that every pregnancy can be different. I have
    and still m/c. I have had so much cramping I thought it was all over, but it wasn't. especially with your history and body awareness, you're going to analyze every twinge.. or lack of. and antibiotics..well, that probably is the cause of your frequent visits to the bathroom. my hair gets thicker when pg and my complexion usually gets bad, then is really nice..this time, my hair is yucky part of the time and I don't think I've ever had such nice skin. don't know if any of that helps, but as a midwife who has caught over 600 babies and given prenatal care to over 1,000..even when things appear to be similar, the outcome can be quite varied. having a positive attitude makes an overall difference in our health and that of our babies. listen to your concerns, but try to have a positive outlook that everything will be ok. [SIZE=1](and now, I'll go carve that in stone and make myself believe it will be for me too).[/SIZE]

    Last edited by babyMarksMom; 12-17-04 at 02:50 PM..

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