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A Pain So Great: A Story of Stillbirth

Misty Freeman


The memory is still there, haunting me. Every night there are the dreams, refreshing everything in my mind that I had tried to bury. Every detail is so vivid. Her tiny little hands lying so still on the pink blanket covering her fragile body. Her small head turned at just the right angle, looking at me yet her eyes are closed. It appears that at any moment she will open them and gaze into my own. The vision is too real! My eyes burn with tears I try so hard to keep from falling. It just isn't fair. Those memories of her being brought into this world, no hint of life flowing through her still body!

Despair had enveloped itself around me. The sun shone bright in the sky but my eyes didn't see it. What I saw was a deep dark hole, so emotionless, so empty that no light could penetrate it. So black. So bleak. It was like being in a deep pit of pitch black oil,so slippery that you just couldn't pull yourself up out of it. Nothing mattered. She just wouldn't let go of my soul. She was always there, a part of me that wouldn't or couldn't detach from my heart. Some days it was as if I were in another place. I was far away in a very distant place, unreachable and hidden from hurt.

With every morning that dawned, it brought me only sadness. There were no walks in the park, or strolling through the local malls, no chatting with neighbors. Only grief for what I had lost, for what should have been, what could've been. There I was, my baby was snugly wrapped in her blankie, cooing while I walked idly through the park. People passing by smiled and talked of how she looked like me, smiled like me...We sit on a bench, her in my arms gazing into my face while I am adoring hers. The purest love there is, a mother with her child. Instead what I have is only myself, alone. Nothing more. I was one big gigantic knot of grief, my own little genie captured within a bottle. Hiding from reality.

With each new day I became more and more withdrawn leading to my emotional imbalance as well as physical exhaustion. Anything that I did took up practically all of my energy. Getting up in the mornings was difficult enough and thinking past that was even more so. Instead of trying to find a resolution so that I could move on with my life, I continued to build anxiety onto myself and probably others as well. I blamed myself. I fooled myself into thinking it was my fault, that if only I would have gone to the doctor sooner or if I had just had the proper nutrition or taken vitamins like I should have. All of the questions that were unresolved were slowly destroying me. Draining my life without realizing.

Soon the anger and resentment came. Arguments about simple things. Why didn't you do this? If only you would've taken me to the doctor!! Even things as minor as the dishes not being washed became a major issue! Anything to cover up the truth. It became so easy to conceal what was really going on inside.

As time progressed I realized that I couldn't wallow in my grief forever, it was leading me down a path of destruction. My life had stopped, I remained focused in the past reaching and yearning for what wasn't there. A baby to hold, to love, the dream of being a mother. The pain had to stop it was ruining everything in my life. I was living a lie! I finally came up with a plan that I felt would be the answer to end my pain and make my life whole again.

The only thing that made any sense to me, that I knew only I could make possible was to become pregnant again. I soon became obsessed with the mere idea of it. I dreamed about it, I could even envision myself holding a baby. It was the one thing that held any meaning, the only thing that mattered. To some this would seem as bad as the previous depression I had been in but to me it was the most uplifting time of my life since my child's death. I began to see the sun and feel its warmth caressing me. My heart beat in an upward rhythm now. I made every minute of every day count! To do this, I made sure to find time to swim or just go for a walk and take in the beauty god had gifted the world with. I began to read again, and to relax, the most important thing of all.

I finally accepted the fact that my daughter was gone. I would never hold her or tell her how much I loved her here in this life but through prayer and faith I knew I would see her again and be able to tell her all of these things. I realized that by living my life the way that I had been, by focusing my soul on that one traumatic time, I wouldn't have made it. So you see, by trying to conceive again gave me the courage and the strength I needed to move forward with my life and leave the past behind.

Some told me I would never be able to have a baby again. I was to driven towards it. I was told it wasn't something you worked for, it was something that was given to you. I paid them no heed and went right about making myself feel complete and not caring what others thought. Planning for this other child helped me get over the abundance of grief, stress and anxiety that had been encircling my life. It created an outlet for me to deal with the pain. I believe this is how God had planned it all along.

Today, I look back with sadness yes but also with a healed heart. I say to myself; "My baby is in a better place far from pain here on this earth. I will carry her memory with me always. She will always be a part of me, my heart, my mind and my soul! Now the Lord has blessed me with the privilege of being a mommy to not one but 3 perfectly healthy, beautiful children and for that I am blessed!" I speak this practically every day in my mind and I know now, God carried me through the stormy season of my life then; and if necessary, if I asked it of him, he would do it all over again!

Misty Freeman is a freelance writer and stay at home Mom of 3 children.

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Guest Aug 28, 2014 07:19:13 PM ET

So sad, but at the end sweet.

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