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Why Romance Dies

Rinatta Paries


Are you in a relationship where the flames of romance are starting to go out? Or are you single and have a hard time believing romance can last longer than a few months into a relationship?

Romance is how most relationships begin. We anticipate being with our partner, give flowers, write cards, shower each other with attention and affection, stage seductions, etc. But somewhere down the road, the romance begins to fade. It happens so often that it seems ordinary, expected, natural. But why?

Don't we all -- men and women alike -- dream of an eternal love affair? Don't we all enter into a relationship hoping THIS person will be the one to love us for a lifetime? Doesn't it feel wrong when romance fades? Don't you feel somehow wrong when you no longer want to spend as much time with your partner? When you are no longer as attentive, thoughtful? Doesn't it feel wrong when your partner no longer does the nice things he or she use to do?

It's not natural for romance to die in a relationship. After all, isn't romance simply a way we appreciate, treasure and love one another? Then as romance begins to fade, it is informing us that our feelings for each other are begging to fade as well. This often happens in the course of a relationship. We feel less for our partner, we become numb, we wall up.

There are three major reasons why we feel less in a relationship over time: disappointment, hurt and taking each other for granted.

1. Disappointment
People and relationships disappoint us over time. There is no way around it. In the beginning of a relationship we put our partner up on a pedestal. Over time, as our partner reveals more and more human characteristics, we get disappointed. With disappointment, we feel less exited, less enthusiastic about our partner.

2. Hurt
Hurt happens in every relationship -- more often in relationships that aren't very good in the first place. We get hurt over broken promises and forgotten occasions. We get hurt by the things our partner says or does not say. We get hurt about not getting our needs met. Hurt shuts us down and makes us want to wall up.

3. Taking each other for granted
Ok, so you are in a relationship, maybe you are even married. All the hard work is done, right? Your or your partner's focus is elsewhere -- on your job, kids, friends, hobbies, etc. The relationship will still be there, right? And as you and your partner take each other for granted, you create hurt and disappointment, again leading to diminished feelings about each other.

Now you understand why romance fades in some relationships, maybe even in your relationship. But what can you do about it? What can you do to revive your feelings about each other and bring romance back?

Your Relationship Coach,
Rinatta Paries

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This article was originally published by Coach Rinatta Paries in "The Relationship Coach Newsletter," a weekly e-zine for people who want fulfilling relationships. For singles, the newsletter will help you attract your Mr. or Ms. Right. If you're in a relationship, you will learn to create more closeness and intimacy with your mate. To subscribe, go to

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