Heart BeatBrenda Hyde
I wondered what I would be writing here as I went through the last four weeks. I had many bad moments when I would cry and through clenched teeth, tell my husband that I did not want to go through another miscarriage. To his credit, he would suggest that I relax and take a nap. I have to say this was a good move on his part, not to argue with me or offer advice. He knew, like I did, that we just had to wait it out. Each week that went by I felt a little better, but those moments would still come at night when I would feel overwhelmed. I stopped in at some pregnancy sites, but I didn't sign up for anything or get involved.
I did end up telling my Mom and at first she was very stiff and reserved. That upset me because she had been at both of children's births with my husband. They were my support team, and I wanted her to be supportive now. I would dwell on this and let it bother me without telling her how I felt. The next time I spoke with her she was enthused and supportive! It taught me a lesson that sometimes people just need a little time to think and digest the information we give them. I also realized that I needed to give her more credit than I did. If she supported me before, why wouldn't she now?
I made it through those weeks until my doctor's visit at 13 weeks. I kept reminding myself to breathe deep. We waded through the questions, the blood pressure and the exam. Finally he asked "Oh, should we listen for the baby's heartbeat?". At this point I could have easily jumped off the table and strangled him, but I smiled and nodded instead. At first we heard my stomach, then my heartbeat over and over and it seemed to be taking forever. Then I heard it, and he confirmed THAT was the baby's heartbeat. It was strong and steady and my baby was alive. He also told me that I would be having an ultrasound to check on the size of they baby and to confirm how far along I was. I suspect he just wanted to relieve my worrying a little bit more, but that was fine with me.
I waited 3 more days, and I have to admit I was in a foul mood as the ultrasound appointment got closer. I am not sure why, except that I knew it would show more of what going on and I was still worried that something would be wrong. My husband and I raced out the door, my water in hand, and my bladder not full yet. I drank until I thought I would burst and when the time came they made me sit even longer because my bladder was not full enough. I told my husband that the truth is they wanted me to be as uncomfortable as possible. He just looked at me oddly and asked if I felt like my bladder was full yet. Finally, I was judged as full and we went in for the ultrasound. I know I was actually holding my breath waiting for the explanation of those shadows on the screen. I will never forget the words "Look, there is the baby's heart beating."
I realized during the last month that I took for granted my other pregnancies. I was in that bliss of pending motherhood both times. I know now that I can never return to that time again, because I have lost babies that were growing inside me. Yes, they were very tiny, but they were there. On the other hand, I have noticed that I am unconcerned with whether I have a boy or girl inside me now, or what they will look like. I am taking nothing for granted now, and each day is another step towards seeing a new life brought into this world. I think this new baby will be a very special gift for our whole family.
Brenda Hyde is a proud Mom, a freelance writer and editor. For more encouraging messages subscribe to her weekly newsletter A Mom's Heart by sending an email to mailto:firstname.lastname@example.org or visit her at http://www.seedsofknowledge.comBe the first to add your comment, or ask a question.
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